Sunday Family Humour: April 2012

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Sunday Family Humour 29th April

Page 2

Truth in Humour

Thanks to David M.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Lee Majors
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson
The great question.. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
George W. Bush
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Rudy Giuliani
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Michael Jordan
"I've had bad luck with all my wives.
The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille O’Neal
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Kobe Bryant
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
Brad Pitt
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jimmy Kimmel
“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?”
Husband replies,
“That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
David Letterman
“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring,
then the wedding ring
...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!
Jay Leno

Dramatic Surprise In Quiet Square

Thanks to Ray O'.

Dramatic Surprise

Graffiti in France
Thanks to Ray O'.

GRAFITIS FRANCESES.pps

Motivationals
Thanks to Blain

Space Plasma Physics
Explained in Less than Two Minutes
Thanks to Ray O'.

An Osprey in Action
Thanks to Ray O'.

Never seen a bird shake water off like a dog does
- wouldn't want to get in the way of him
when he's got his eyes locked and his talons in the "load" position!

There are 3 sequences in this one YouTube.

1st sequence he catches half a dozen fish in one strike.
2nd sequence he plunges talons into deep water right to the bottom to grab his prey.
3rd sequence he captures a big old fat fish that looks as if it weighs more than he does!

Osprey

No Ordinary Photos
Thanks to David M.

noordinaryphotos.pps

Sunday Family Humour 8th April

Repent O Scottish Sinner

Thanks to Cory A.

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.

He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

So he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(You’re going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Close in with Gorillas

Thanks to Paul S.

Gorillas

Historical Photos

Thanks to Ray O'.

Imagine you are the photographer.
Try to feel the vibes at the time of the picture.
Most pictures are USA about 100 years ago,
but they evoke memories of all cultures from one hundred years ago or more recent.

Historical photos.ppt

Moral Test

Thanks to Bill S.

Moral Test....Read to the end before making a judgment...Cheers

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

*** THE SITUATION: ***

You are in London. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane
with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive fury.

*** THE TEST: ***

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....

You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza,
the one-eyed, hook handed bastard who hates non-Muslims and wants the
UK to become an Islamic state!!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize
winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most
despised, evil and powerful men!

*** NOW THE QUESTION AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER ***

Would you select high contrast colour film or, would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

Road Rage

Thanks to David M.

African elephant, as opposed to Thai elephants!

These photos was taken in Pilanesberg game reserve, South Africa.
The guy in the Volkswagen was trying to get past the elephant
in typical VW arrogance and he got his comeuppance.

Why Teachers Drink

Thanks to Captain Bob

An Eagle, a Fox and a Cat in Harmony

Thanks to ATS

Fox Eagle Cat

Retarded Grandparents

Thanks to Ray M.

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass any more!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are any more. They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Sunday Family Humour

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Sunday Family Humour 29th April

Sunday Family Humour 29th April

Page 2

Truth in Humour

Dramatic Surprise In Quiet Square

Dramatic Surprise

GRAFITIS FRANCESES.pps

Osprey

noordinaryphotos.pps

Monday, 16 April 2012

Sunday Family Humour 8th April

Sunday Family Humour 8th April

Repent O Scottish Sinner

Close in with Gorillas

Gorillas

Historical Photos

Historical photos.ppt

Moral Test

Road Rage

Why Teachers Drink

An Eagle, a Fox and a Cat in Harmony

Fox Eagle Cat

Retarded Grandparents

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